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Surfing Through Fear

wave

Last night I wrote with my non dominant hand in my dream diary asking my self to become aware with any dream I have during the night. I went to bed with a lot of childlike enthusiasm at about 10:30pm, which is generally quite early for me only to wake up at 2:37am sweating with fearful ideas trying to penetrate my waking mind.

I will continue from the point everything seemed relatively ‘comfortable’ however bizarre. My brother and I were shopping in a large supermarket somewhere in Canada. We each had a trolley and were strolling about picking up groceries. At one point we were looking for a special vintage cheese with a yellow and black wrapper. I couldn’t make out what type it was at the start but after what seemed to be a long investigation we deduced that it was some sort of Edam cheese. Things only got stranger when we decided to locate an indigenous Canadian tribe using a red laser, created for such curious endeavors by aiming it at the country’s map. At first it didn’t seem to work, which my impatient brother happened to point out. After a few seconds though a red dot appeared on the East, where the Canadian border meets the Atlantic ocean, then another up on the extreme north and then more at other locations but mostly in the North.

A few moments later our parents arrived to our location which morphed into a large open hall with no walls, just a wide open floor space that ended with sharp edges on all four sides. The space also had couches scattered randomly and scarcely. My mother walked past me with a serious frown trying to avoid eye contact with me and told me that my x-rays came back and ‘they’ had found a tumor. My father was also avoiding contact but kept mumbling what seemed to be humorous comments of encouragement. My best friend was there with his wife, both sitting on a couch also looking very serious but they did not know, so I decided to keep the info from them. The atmosphere became darker, at which point my aunt’s ex husband walks up to me with what seemed like a small patch on his forehead trying to convince me that it’s ‘ok’. He was trying to explain how he was through a similar situation and all I have to do it remove that part of my brain. I responded angrily and refused to listen to such an extreme solution. He then snapped by saying, “You can’t expect to eat a piece of grass that a cow has shat on to get better!” referring to what I would actually consider a treatment. I walked off furiously screaming back that I would eat every plant I can get my hands on and never remove a part of my precious brain. I kept on walking into my waking state.

This was not the kind of dream I was planning on having. I know better though. Our subconscious operates very differently to our conscious brain, it communicates through symbols not language. There was some serious symbolism for me here and I needed to calm down and find out what it was. I could have woken up feeling like the first thing I should do is head down to the hospital and book myself for an MRI. A part of me was definitely fearful but I resisted. I took a deep breath and scanned my past few weeks looking for an answer. By honestly reflecting on oneself it doesn’t take long to figure your dreams out, I will always stress this point. Dreams come in so many forms and they can have warnings, lessons, fantasies and they always contain raw honesty, which makes them a no nonsense source of Spark.

Two weeks ago during a night out with friends, I was listening to someone talk so passionately about surfing. I have never surfed, but the thought of it makes my heart melt and has done for as long as I can remember. I can give a million and one reasons why I never did, in the end the truth is they are all just excuses. I want to surf more than any other activity, I do not care to ride motorcycles, climb mountains or ski slopes, I just want to surf! I will discuss this in the future along with Pieces and Neptune but for now I just want to mention that it is a conversation I want to have with the sea.

During that conversation with my friend I mentioned, I actually had the audacity to say that if I was to fall ill with cancer I would drop everything and travel to surf. I was drunk and emotional but what a stupid thing to say! I am a man that believes we manifest our own world by thinking it. I look outwards into a 3 dimensional universe that extends with us at the center. I regretted what I had said the night before and my conscious mind thought it away, however my subconscious still had to hammer in a message.

It was clear there was more my mind was trying to tell me. If I want to do something in my life, if it means so much and I could feel it deep within myself, I need to do it. Work and the responsibilities that come with it shouldn’t be the priority I set for my life. My life is too precious to not follow my own gut! If I want to do something that will bring me happiness and joy it shouldn’t be put off. I’m not going to drop everything, jump on a plane to some beach and begin surfing as one might expect from a Hollywood script. I can achieve that desire and still operate everything else that is happening in my life in harmony. I must create that reality by first acknowledging its vital importance to my psychological and spiritual well being. Life is what we make of it, and the dreams we have can be a definitive guide to where we truly want to be heading. I don’t know what wisdom surfing a wave will bring but I do know from a very powerful inner source that it will be crucial in my life journey.
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Pointing at Planets (Part 1)

jupiter

There comes a time in every man’s life when he needs to ask himself a simple question… “If I had the opportunity to be propelled towards Jupiter’s storm and my inevitable demise, just to be aware of every experience and sensation along the way, would I take it?”
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Astrology With A Capital 'L'

solar_system

Everyone today agrees that everything including ourselves is made up of energy, just ask any scientist or even better Google it! I need it to survive, to function and to evolve. Sadly most of the time I continue to use it and experience it only as fuel. Even though I sometimes find myself saying and truly mean things like ‘I’m so excited and energized’ or point to a person as ‘so draining’. For a few years now I have begun to try and sustain emotional energy within my body and at times release it in the hope that my desires can be met.

Yesterday I had lunch with ‘L’ before she left back to the UK. We were both very hungry when I picked her up, but the waiter had to come to our table several times asking if we were ready to order. We just kept forgetting to look at the menus. Even when we did order and the food arrived, the hunger was gone and I ate so that I didn’t waste the food. I was already being nourished by the energy we were exchanging. We had moments were we would respond by acknowledging the other’s emotions without words. At times it became so intense and wonderful. It is important to note that it was nothing I could intellectualize, as soon as that happened the energy dissipated and the exchange was gone.

I was left wondering why we are not open to this form of energetic communication with another and with our world. A few of us can relate to this energy when we receive it from pets and nature but not from each other as people. So much for considering ourselves evolved beings. Ok, I know we are self aware, but we have shut ourselves to receiving and transmitting many different forms of energy and information. The most familiar form to us and are open to, is heat, because no one can ever deny the awesome life sustaining power of our Sun and its affect on our lives physically, psychologically and even spiritually. A large number of people also agree that the Moon and its phases also have an influence on our psyche and moods. However, mention to someone that the rest of the planets in our solar system influence our psychological make up and watch the reactions you get. I want to be open to the subtle information, energy, wisdom and feelings of the universe, even if it’s in the form of a mere trickle at the moment, every now and then I know a dam will shatter allowing it all to flow freely.

“The cosmos is a vast living body, of which we are still parts. The sun is a great heart whose tremors run through our smallest veins. The moon is a great nerve center from which we quiver forever. Who knows the power that Saturn has over us, or Venus? But it is a vital power, rippling exquisitely through us all the time.” 
~D.H. Lawrence
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Channeling Mars

mars

There’s a planet in each of our charts that seems to piss everyone off, including ourselves. He mucks about complaining about everything and snaps when he tries to make a sandwich and realizes there’s only one slice of bread left. I say He because he’s full of testosterone. I am referring to that annoying undisciplined teenager Mars. Find out where Mars is located in your chart and you’ll understand what ticks you off.

Personally I have Mars in my 4th of home and family, which is quite annoying if you live with me. All my other planets make me an ideal flatmate except Mars, I’m the type that seethes in silence at any excess noise on weekend mornings and I really want my own bathroom. Luckily I live alone now. When I decide to finally get married and have a family, I need to make sure I have a chill out room where I can go play games, read and create, otherwise I will be an annoying little brat.

Mars is ancient Greece’s Ares, god of war. He is the embodiment of all that is masculine and competitive. We are all very well aware of his psychological presence in our lives wether we are men or woman. While Saturn is a grounding unforgiving teacher he offers wisdom and growth by passing through his trials. Mars on the other hand requires us to channel his energy by acknowledging which parts of our psyche he is positively aspected to and taming those he is tension with. I refer to him as a teenager because of his enthusiasm as well as his tolerance. But if I take a deep calming breath and reflect…

Mars offers relentless dedication and the power to meet our daily challenges head on. When I decide the time has come to compete, I don’t want any part of my psyche at the helm but him.

Truthfully, the reason the red planet’s force is flowing through me this morning, keeping from work, is a random rendezvous with a beautiful and very sensual astrologer ‘L’, last night. I feel psychologically tense because she doesn’t live here and is leaving Jordan tomorrow. Mars makes me want to kick something! However, I am glad we met and hope our paths cross again. She inspired me to write about this topic because I picked up on her powerful Venus energy and when the time comes to lead Venus to sexual ecstasy, no god but Mars can channel through her the raw masculine energy she craves.
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Memory and the Dream State

snake

Last night’s dreams came in three distinct sections separated by waking states. All three were pretty disturbing on the surface. I can recall how the first ended but not how it began. I was left trying to get myself up off a blanket I was falling asleep on. It was a light grey blanket spread over soft sand, could have been a beach or maybe a desert. The thing that horrified me were the countless python snakes burrowing in and out beneath and around the blanket. I was lying in a snake pit. There were two interesting points to consider though, firstly I knew that these snakes were not going to bite me, I really knew that, but they still freaked me out, no way was going to sleep there. Although, a part of me wishes I was comfortable with it because overcoming fear in extreme conditions even in dreams can be very therapeutic. Secondly, if I just stopped panicking for a second, I might have realized that what I was doing, was trying to wake myself up! If I had come to that realization I might have remembered that I was already sleeping and therefore dreaming, at which point I might have remembered to become lucid and control the situation within the dream. I ended up pushing myself so hard off the snake infested ground that I woke up. A quick recall of my raw onion filled salad for dinner and NatGeo Wild’s episode on pythons I watched explained the dream, nothing spiritual or sinister about it, but the feeling of disgust did linger. Another feeling I had, was that of disappointment, I should have relaxed and remembered.

We each can have many different triggers to alert us that we are experiencing a dream reality, once we are aware of that trigger we can become lucid and interact consciously within our dreams. One of my triggers is trying to wake up. I am an extremely light sleeper due to sinus issues and a very high metabolism, so if I’m having a hard time trying to wake up then I must be asleep.

Memory is crucial to connecting our information rich dreams with our ‘waking’ reality. A while ago I began writing in a dream diary. It’s not an easy practice to keep up and much harder than keeping a normal diary. Waking up and jotting down what just happened in my dreams made me become fully awake and I was left unrested. Another difficulty was convincing myself that I had to get up and write when all I wanted to do was wrap myself up again in my warm blanket and doze off. I would urge myself to remember upon waking and write but more than often I would forget the dream. Even if I was able to remember the theme or setting, much of the details were lost, especially if I had a second dream. So imagine all the other dreams I had forgotten when I don’t bother trying to remember.

When I was able to wake up and write things down, two amazing things happened. First, so much more detail came as I wrote, almost as though I wasn’t aware during sleep of how much was actually going on. Even seemingly separate dreams became connected, like a bridge between them was being built. Secondly, there was a new world opening up to me, I would go to sleep looking forward to the experiences and feelings I was about to have. I was alive for a longer period. My day didn’t end at bedtime and start again in the morning.

I can also surprisingly recall the feelings and experiences a lot better when returning to the dream diary than I do when I read back through my ‘waking’ journal. In the dream diary there is no sense of time, wether it’s been weeks or even months since the entry. A strange familiarity exists, as though I had the dream just last night. Contrary to the ‘waking’ journal which often leaves me with a sense of the past and linear time.
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