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Surfing Through Fear

wave

Last night I wrote with my non dominant hand in my dream diary asking my self to become aware with any dream I have during the night. I went to bed with a lot of childlike enthusiasm at about 10:30pm, which is generally quite early for me only to wake up at 2:37am sweating with fearful ideas trying to penetrate my waking mind.

I will continue from the point everything seemed relatively ‘comfortable’ however bizarre. My brother and I were shopping in a large supermarket somewhere in Canada. We each had a trolley and were strolling about picking up groceries. At one point we were looking for a special vintage cheese with a yellow and black wrapper. I couldn’t make out what type it was at the start but after what seemed to be a long investigation we deduced that it was some sort of Edam cheese. Things only got stranger when we decided to locate an indigenous Canadian tribe using a red laser, created for such curious endeavors by aiming it at the country’s map. At first it didn’t seem to work, which my impatient brother happened to point out. After a few seconds though a red dot appeared on the East, where the Canadian border meets the Atlantic ocean, then another up on the extreme north and then more at other locations but mostly in the North.

A few moments later our parents arrived to our location which morphed into a large open hall with no walls, just a wide open floor space that ended with sharp edges on all four sides. The space also had couches scattered randomly and scarcely. My mother walked past me with a serious frown trying to avoid eye contact with me and told me that my x-rays came back and ‘they’ had found a tumor. My father was also avoiding contact but kept mumbling what seemed to be humorous comments of encouragement. My best friend was there with his wife, both sitting on a couch also looking very serious but they did not know, so I decided to keep the info from them. The atmosphere became darker, at which point my aunt’s ex husband walks up to me with what seemed like a small patch on his forehead trying to convince me that it’s ‘ok’. He was trying to explain how he was through a similar situation and all I have to do it remove that part of my brain. I responded angrily and refused to listen to such an extreme solution. He then snapped by saying, “You can’t expect to eat a piece of grass that a cow has shat on to get better!” referring to what I would actually consider a treatment. I walked off furiously screaming back that I would eat every plant I can get my hands on and never remove a part of my precious brain. I kept on walking into my waking state.

This was not the kind of dream I was planning on having. I know better though. Our subconscious operates very differently to our conscious brain, it communicates through symbols not language. There was some serious symbolism for me here and I needed to calm down and find out what it was. I could have woken up feeling like the first thing I should do is head down to the hospital and book myself for an MRI. A part of me was definitely fearful but I resisted. I took a deep breath and scanned my past few weeks looking for an answer. By honestly reflecting on oneself it doesn’t take long to figure your dreams out, I will always stress this point. Dreams come in so many forms and they can have warnings, lessons, fantasies and they always contain raw honesty, which makes them a no nonsense source of Spark.

Two weeks ago during a night out with friends, I was listening to someone talk so passionately about surfing. I have never surfed, but the thought of it makes my heart melt and has done for as long as I can remember. I can give a million and one reasons why I never did, in the end the truth is they are all just excuses. I want to surf more than any other activity, I do not care to ride motorcycles, climb mountains or ski slopes, I just want to surf! I will discuss this in the future along with Pieces and Neptune but for now I just want to mention that it is a conversation I want to have with the sea.

During that conversation with my friend I mentioned, I actually had the audacity to say that if I was to fall ill with cancer I would drop everything and travel to surf. I was drunk and emotional but what a stupid thing to say! I am a man that believes we manifest our own world by thinking it. I look outwards into a 3 dimensional universe that extends with us at the center. I regretted what I had said the night before and my conscious mind thought it away, however my subconscious still had to hammer in a message.

It was clear there was more my mind was trying to tell me. If I want to do something in my life, if it means so much and I could feel it deep within myself, I need to do it. Work and the responsibilities that come with it shouldn’t be the priority I set for my life. My life is too precious to not follow my own gut! If I want to do something that will bring me happiness and joy it shouldn’t be put off. I’m not going to drop everything, jump on a plane to some beach and begin surfing as one might expect from a Hollywood script. I can achieve that desire and still operate everything else that is happening in my life in harmony. I must create that reality by first acknowledging its vital importance to my psychological and spiritual well being. Life is what we make of it, and the dreams we have can be a definitive guide to where we truly want to be heading. I don’t know what wisdom surfing a wave will bring but I do know from a very powerful inner source that it will be crucial in my life journey.
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Pointing at Planets (Part 1)

jupiter

There comes a time in every man’s life when he needs to ask himself a simple question… “If I had the opportunity to be propelled towards Jupiter’s storm and my inevitable demise, just to be aware of every experience and sensation along the way, would I take it?”
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Saturn & Creative Self Expression

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Towards the end of 2009 I was unemployed and had a lot of free time waiting for promising news from potential employers. I didn’t want the days wasted on refreshing my inbox and panicking. So, I decided to occupy my mornings and afternoons with things that enriched my life such as exercising, cooking and drawing. I wanted to draw ever since I was an infant, unfortunately I never really knew what to draw and the fear of drawing badly was even more discouraging. I wanted to draw so well and in such a unique way that I never really got started. My ego played a self defeating role every time I picked up the pencil.

Looking at the planets residing in the 5th house of my natal chart it was easy to finally understand why tension was built up in that area of my psyche. I have both Saturn and the Moon side by side in Leo’s proud den. While the Moon in the 5th is a blessing for the creative soul, Saturn on the other hand brings restrictions in the form of very tough but rewarding lessons, but only for those willing to free themselves.

The 5th house holds many psychological influences, amongst them it is home to individual self expression and creativity. In her book Saturn: A New Look At An Old Devil, the very amazing Liz Greene had this to say about those of us with Saturn in the fifth house, “The creative flow is blocked, or if it is not blocked then the experience of self-realization which is natural may be blocked. The perfect circle of outpouring and inner transformation is interrupted, and the man often pours his energy out and thinks he receives nothing back because his own sense of inadequacy prevents him from realizing that it has nothing to do with the audience”. Greene also points out in the next sentence, “This applies not only to creative expression but to romantic love as well”. That second line was quite a slap in the face to say the least.

Anyhow, the audience has always been and still is at the forefront of my mind when I attempt to create any non-commercial piece, particularly when sketching and drawing. In my career as a commercial artist and designer, I play the role of middleman between the client and the audience. Therefore I am much less concerned with being exposed, it is my job to produce work for a client for a specific commercial goal.

After reading more about Saturn’s position in my natal chart, it was clear that I needed to exclude the audience if I was to do any drawing, that also had to include my own opinions. I decided to make drawing a very private practice using my ‘other’ hand because it made me feel vulnerable. Drawing with my non-dominant hand has ironically become my greatest tool. Using my left hand forces my brain to function in an unpredictable way. My feet turn inwards, my lips squeeze to the side and my vision at times becomes blurry. My hand jerks abruptly causing the pencil to pulsate in random spastic strokes. I reconnect to the child within, that same infant I used to be before I became so ‘right-handed’ and so egotistical. I draw in a sketch book made for my eyes only and don’t overly think about what to draw. There’s a full section on my journey with using my non-dominant hand in drawing and writing which I will begin in a week. The first drawings were very surprising, they were of my right hand holding the sketch book. I turned the tables on myself, I drew a sketch of the part of me that struggled all these years to draw.

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A scan of my first drawings of the right hand using my non-dominant left. This was to me the most natural way to begin drawing using my left hand. I started to see that things we take for granted, including our own bodies, contain a lot more information and detail and we should take the time to see.
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